December

At a family dinner, my aunt and I were stuck at the "boy" end of the table. After ten minutes of Nascar talk, we said we wanted some girl topics, so my uncle obliged. Here's his attempt at girl talk:
"So! How's your earring collection?"
????

I'm staying with my aunt and uncle in San Diego. When I got here, my uncle offered to get my luggage, but I insisted. I grabbed the suitcase from the trunk and lifted it up quickly, forgetting that it was unzipped. Everything flew from the suitcase to the ground. I yelled, "Avert your eyes, Uncle Don!"
They are now telling people that their house guest throws her undies on the lawn.
Does everyone now understand where I get my sense of humor?

I figure if I create romantic settings for the elves, I'll have more elves next year.

The last time I set up the elves, it was for a romantic movie and popcorn date. Last night, Mike helped them out. (I might like his better.)

 
Hannah doesn't think it's fair that we have to clean up after the elves on the shelf. "If they make a mess, they should clean it up themselves!"

It's always an adventure to talk with my BFF, mother of four. In the middle of our conversation, I hear a child screaming, and the mom says, "I gotta go! I have to save my daughter from the chicken!"

Hannah and a friend playing with two nativities. They each have one set of Joseph and Mary.
Hannah: We're about to have a baby!
Friend: So are we!
Hannah: Ours is going to be the Lord Jesus!
Friend: So is ours!
Not sure about this theology.

I like that Facebook notifies me, "Anniversary with Mike today." Not only does it remind me it's my anniversary, it also reminds me the name of my spouse. And it places a heart next to it to remind me that I'm in love. Phew!

Me: Hey girls, what should we get Daddy for Christmas?
Abby: Let's just get him a big bag of coal. Not the fake kind, the real kind.

Yesterday, we saw a neighbor with ice skates. She was skating successfully around her driveway. This morning, Abby asks, "Mom, do I have any roller skates?" Really not the same, dear.

I was supposed to take finals on Fri, Sat, and Monday at Texas Woman's University in Denton. Sadly, the weather closed the campus Fri and Sat. I just received notice that we're also closed for Monday.
It's a Christmas miracle!!!

We just walked to the park again. This time, I slipped on the ice and fell hard twice. Hannah was very concerned, but assured me that if I fell again, "The third time's a charm."

Going over a science study guide:
Me: Solar energy provides what three things?
Abby: Heat, light, and . . .
Me: food.
(pause with a confused look)
Abby: Microwaves are solar powered?   

Abby's homework asks that she defines the difference between 'way' and 'weigh.' Here's what she wrote under 'way.'
Definition - way cool
Sentence - Way cool headband you have there.

Abby is practicing geography with a website that cheers every time she gets an answer right. Today, I turned the sound off because Hannah was also trying to do her homework. This is how I know Abby's my daughter:
"Mom, it's not making noise. (Sigh.) It's just not as fun when nobody's cheering for you."

Hannah is definitely my child:
"Let's play the quiet game! You can't talk, but you still can sing. It's just too hard not to sing."

    

November

We had planned to camp at Lake Grapevine last weekend, but the storm kept us confined to the cabin. Luckily, Mike was still able to roast the marshmallows.

Abby just did her science homework in which she described the ways we help the environment. After writing, "We turn off lights when we're not using them," she ran around and turned off lights. We're now sitting in a dark house with one lone light.

I just graded a paper that was discussing challenging behavior in the classroom. The student said that teachers should record the behaviors to see if they happen "at Pacific Times." I was stumped for several moments until I decided she meant "at specific times."

Hiking at the Ft. Worth Nature Preserve

My favorite thing on Abby's thankful list:
"I am thankful that you are thankful for me."

Hannah: Mom, today I hugged my friend and Timmy saw us and said, "You guys are tackling each other!" And I said, "No we're not, we're hugging!" And he said, "Hugging, tackling, it's the same." And so I learned today that I don't want to hug Timmy.

I asked Hannah, "Who's girl are you?" She replied:
Yours! Totally yours. I love you more than anyone else! 10% more! No, 1% more. Wait, 5% more. 10% more!    

October

 Cleopatra and Cheetah

 Abby: Mom, how many granddaughters do you want from me?
Me: As many as you'll give me.
Abby: Okay, I'll probably give you three.
Hannah: I'll give you one.
Abby: One?
Hannah: Yeah! I don't want to be giving away a bunch of my kids!

Hannah was reading the book Cowardly Clyde.
H: I love this book.
Me: I love it too, because do you know what my grandpa's name was?
H: Cowardly?



The school just notified me that I need to update my children's ethnicity. Yeah, because that usually changes during the school year.

"Abby is the fun in my life." - Hannah Johnson

What I heard before finding the dog like this:
"Oh, Esther! You look so beautiful! I'll go get some more accessories."    

We were buying candy for a trunk-or-treat event. Abby, who just wanted to leave the store, said, "You don't have to be so generous, Mom!" Hannah was horrified. "These children are poor! We have to be extra generous with the candy. They might not have enough money to buy food, and when they can't eat healthy food for dinner, at least they'll have the candy!"



Don't you love it when your kid gets school pictures and folds them in half before placing them in her take-home folder?

I wrote Abby a note for school, stating that she had completed an assigned task. She looked the note over and finally said, "Okay, this looks convincing."

While at the movies, a commercial asked that everyone turn off their cell phones. Hannah must not have heard this part. She did hear the ending, which announced, "If you have an emergency, please step into the hallway. Otherwise, it can wait." She leaned towards me and whispered, "Why do they want you to go potty in the hallway?"



I bought a jumbo bottle of conditioner for the girls' shower. For some odd reason, they felt the need to squirt the conditioner all over the bathroom. "What were you thinking??" I asked.
Heads hung in shame, they were silent. Finally, Hannah answered, "When we squirted it, it made toot noises. It was funny."

Mom, if Santa's not real, why do we leave milk and cookies for him?
Because it's fun.
Do you and Dad eat the cookies?
Dad does.
Who drinks the milk?
Dad does.
Well, Dad looks like Santa. All he needs is a robe.

Listening to the radio, we hear, "So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." Hannah says:
Bankrupt! Someone's been watching Wheel of Fortune!

Hannah: Did you see Mrs. Hill at the pumpkin patch?
Me: Yes, I talked to her.
H: What did you talk about?
Me: I don't remember. Just stuff.
Pause.
H: Was it lady stuff?

Checking Hannah's homework-
Me: Hannah, your 9s are backwards.
Hannah: Whoops! That'd be funny if I turned it in, because the teacher would say, "Hannah, why'd you make a P?" and I'd say, "Ha, ha, you said pee!"

          

September

In deciding whether to go to the park or play in the backyard, we experienced another loving moment between sisters:
Me: Hannah, what are you going to do?
H: Whatever Abby does!
Me: Fine. Abby, what are you going to do?
A: The exact opposite of whatever Hannah does!

Hannah:
"Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who.
Who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who."
Pause.
"Seriously, Mom, who did let the dogs out?"

I was at school watching Abby's jogathon when a kid ran past, threw water on me, and laughed. I've been bullied!

Hannah, my baby, kept predicting what I would say. I then asked, "Do you know what thought is in my head?"
"Yes. You're thinking about how much you love your baby."

A conversation with Hannah:
Mom, I've figured out that the Elf on the Shelf isn't real.
(Not wanting to give anything away, I just grunt.)
If Santa's not real, then the elf isn't real.
(Grunt)
You or Dad move him around.
(Grunt)
I guess it's Dad, because you don't seem to know anything about it!

Abby and Hannah were discussing war. They wanted to know what would happen if both sides lined up, but no one would fight. Hannah came up with a solution. "That's when you send the onion guy in." ?? "He's the guy that has an onion. He walks over to the other side and sticks it in the guys face and the guy starts crying and gives up."
Brilliant!

Apparently, Abby doesn't know that much of her wardrobe is second hand. Yesterday, I explained that we could go to a thrift store and find designer clothes for less money. She gave me "the look."
But Mom, people have already worn those clothes!
So?
What if they wiped their nose on them, or something?
You look at the clothes before you buy them.
(Not convinced.) Yeah, but what if they did it on the inside of the clothes?     

 

August

Happy 10th birthday to my amazing daughter.

Hannah was playing school with her dolls. She asked if I would come and be a surprise guest. "I told them a surprise singer was coming. They asked if it was Justin Beiber, but I told them it wasn't."

Going through Hannah's school work from last year, I found her resolutions:
1. Tiying my sohe laysis.
2. Clening my room and hose.
3. Pikeing out clows.

Just found some journal entries from Hannah:
Nov 2012
I am thankful hlpying pipl in Cambotedy.
Feb 2013
I was a meshanare because I went to Cambodia. I give all my mone because they have no mone the end.

This is what a 5th grader and a 2nd grader look like.

Papa asked Hannah if she wanted to go sing at a rest home with him.
"What's that?" she asked,
"It's a place for old people when they retire?"
Hannah "Why do they arrest them first?"

Abby received a spa book for her birthday. So far, we have tried the "oatmeal and honey" facial mask. It was especially fun when the honey dripped into the eyes, ears, and hair. 

Upon reading this card, she commented, "Huh. I'm my own gift!"

While I was in another room, this conversation took place between Mike and Abby.
Mike: I'm hungry for lunch, but I'm too lazy to get up and make anything.
Abby: Me, too. Let's make Mom do it.      

In her sneaky voice, Hannah said, "I have something behind my sleeve!" 

 

July

Just another conversation in the car:
Abby: Mom, if Hannah and I are ever alone with Grammy, I'll be the one to attack the bad guy.
Hannah: I want to attack him, too!
Abby: No, I'm older, I have to protect you.
Me: Hannah, you can call 911.
Hannah: No, I want to attack him with Abby!
Me: Why don't you all run in the bathroom, lock the door, and call 911?
Abby: What about Grammy?
Me: She'll have to run as best as she can!
Abby: But I really want to hit the bad guy. I've always wanted to hit something!
Hannah: Why do I have to call 911? Why can't Grammy call 911? I want to hit him, too!
Me: Fine, Grammy can call 911, and you can both hit him.


Hannah had her first soccer game today. We were surprised at how angry she got when the other team scored! She made her angry face, balled her fists, and starting breathing really hard. We laughed through the whole game. After the game, she gave these quotes:
"At one point, I thought in my mind, 'Oh, no she didn't!'"
"I ran up to the person and pushed her away with my feet and got the ball away. She said, 'What did you do that for?' and I said, 'This is soccer! You gotta be tough in this game!'"




The girls were in Charlotte's Web this evening. Hannah was Templeton the rat, and Abby was Wilbur the pig. They both did an amazing job. We were so proud!






For Mike's birthday, the girls made him minion cupcakes. The minions were holding letters that spelled out Happy Birthday, but the minions ran around and messed them all up. The girls also got a card thanking Mike for teaching them how to burp, and another card with elephant buns on the cover, because elephant buns are totally awesome.



We just had a family trip down to Galveston. While Mike was playing in the water with the girls, he lost his sunglasses. He now has sunglasses in three different oceans. We made a trip to Walmart and got another pair. When we got back to the car he noticed that there was a tag on the sunglasses. He tried to pull them off, bite them off, and use keys to cut them off. Nothing worked. Then he had the bright idea of using an ink pen to snap off the tag. After a few minutes the ink was all over him, ruining his clothes. He looked over at Amy, who shook her head silently.

The Day My Kids Schooled a Rich Girl

Our kids were in a friend's carpool today, and she called to report this conversation:
Friend's kid: Mom, I want some sparkly flip flops.
Mom: Is that a need or a want?
Friend's kid: (Sighs) A want.
Mom: If it was a need, then we'd talk about it, but since it's a want, we're not going to buy sparkly flip flops.
At this time, a rich kid in the car said, "My mom buys me whatever I want."
This is when Hannah Johnson spoke up. "Did you know in Cambodia, the kids don't even have shoes? They work in the brick factory and walk on broken bricks and they don't have shoes!"
Abby: "When we went to Cambodia, we got to bring them shoes. Can you imagine how happy they were when they got those shoes? Can you imagine walking on brick shards with no shoes?"
Hannah: "And some of the kids there don't even have clothes! They don't have shirts or shorts, they just wear underwear! Or they don't have underwear and they just wear shirts!"
Abby: "And some of the kids there are slaves! They're like 5 years old and they're slaves! They don't get to see their moms and dads. They work all day, and don't even get to keep any of the money! It goes to their bosses! Can you imagine that?"
The rich kid sat in stunned silence. Love my girls and their hearts for other children. 

June

Hannah and her friend:
Friend: My mom's in her 20s.
Hannah: My mom's in her 39s!

Hannah received a large bumper sticker that says, "My child is BEST at Bransford." Pretty sure she doesn't know it's for the car, because she lovingly placed it on my shirt right before I left the house.

The girls have fallen in love with The Price is Right. Whenever Hannah sees a trip being featured, she waits for the phrase "you and a guest," then says, "I'll take you on that trip Mom." Sometimes she says she's taking Abby or Daddy, but I win most of the time. One time she surprised me by naming her good friend. "Sorry Mom, but I've gotta take Lexie on this trip." 

The girls were talking about their futures. They want husbands, babies, and cats, and they want to live in Cambodia. Here's part of the conversation I overheard:
Abby: Let's have our babies in Texas, then move to Cambodia.
Hannah: No, let's just have our babies in Cambodia.
A: There aren't any hospitals in Cambodia.
H: Then how do ladies have their babies?
A: They just have them. They lay down and have them. And it hurts.
H: Let's have our babies in Texas, then move to Cambodia. 

 

May

We were watching home videos from when the girls were 2 and 4. Mike and I kept saying, "Look how little you are!" After while, I come into the shot. On the TV, I am much thinner than I am now. Hannah says, "Mommy! You were little then, too!" She sized me up then looked back at the TV. Then she says, "You look prettier now that you're all grown up."

Hannah received the "Respectful to Others" award. 

I think Hannah has her warriors mixed up. She just told me, "Halt! I am a ninja. Beware of my lasso!"

We were buying a gift for Will, the girls' cousin. I remarked that I don't understand the things that boys like.
Hannah (7): Yeah, I don't get boys. All they care about is playing with toys. Girls care about our hair.
Abby (9): Hair is important! It takes time to get it to look good!

Abby sat in the hallway while I had the year-end parent/teacher conference. (They had only positive things to say.) When I came out of the classroom, she hung her head and said, "Sorry, Mom." For what? "For whatever they might have said in there."
Way to be proactive!

Hannah: "Mom, [a classmate] was saying a joke and then said, 'Do you get it?' And I said, 'No. Your joke's not funny.' Mom, I got the joke, but I didn't tell him that. It really wasn't funny."

I've signed the girls up for soccer this summer. Abby really doesn't want to play, and is coming up with all sorts of excuses. While we were driving to be fitted for jerseys yesterday, she said, "Mom, I forgot, I can't play soccer! My knee's broken!"

I accidentally startled Hannah, who exclaimed, "Mommy! You scared my death!!"

While at a restaurant, Hannah glanced at a TV and saw horse races. "Look!" she cried. "Pony rides!"

This is when you know that your daughter still thinks you hung the moon.
Hannah: Mom, will you sign my yearbook?

I talk back to the TV all the time, so I suppose it's only natural that my children would begin talking to the radio. Matthew West's "Hello My Name Is" came on the radio, and this is what I heard.
Song: Hello, my name is regret.
Hannah: Regret? That's a weird name.
Song: I'm pretty sure we have met.
Hannah: Nope! I've never met you. I don't even know you!
Abby: God knows him.

Hannah was talking about her friend/boyfriend/fiance. "And then he said, 'Hannah, I love you!' and I was like, 'Gross! I don't love you!"

Abby is going to Sky Ranch for three days with her grade level. When I dropped her off this morning, I told her teacher, "Happy teacher appreciation week! I appreciate you so much, I'm letting you have my child for three days!" He made a sort of grumbling noise, then told me that he appreciated my gift. He didn't sound very sincere.

Scene: In the car with both girls.
Me: Hey, look at the bicyclists. Should I run them over?
Hannah: No, Mom! That's not nice, and the police would come and you'd get in trouble.
Abby: Just sneak up behind them and honk. They'll be so scared that they'll fall over on their own.

              

April

Happy birthday, Hannah!

Abby: I got some souvenirs.
Hannah: No Fair!! What are souvenirs?

Abby: I don't think it's fair that you only get to marry one guy. It's like, you get married and then you never can again and you're stuck with the same person forever. And I think it'd be scary. It's like, "Okay, you're married. Go live with that stranger."

Hannah's flip flop fell off. She glared at it before saying, "I'll punish you later, shoe."

Instead of taking the kids to school this morning, I accidentally drove to Sonic. Is that the sign of an addict?

Hannah told me that she needed my hug because she can't resist my cuteness. She's great for the ego!

When we passed a cemetery today, Hannah forgot the name of it, so she called it "The land of the dead people." 

Hannah referring to a Bible story:
"Zacchaeus was surprised that Jesus knew his name. But God knows everyone's name. Even if it's weird."    

Abby's reaction to seeing a man with slicked back hair:
"Whoa. Looks like someone's trying to impress the ladies."

Hannah hates having her pictures and stories posted here. Sometimes, she won't allow me to take a picture until I've promised not to post it to facebook.
Me: Why don't you like it? Everyone loves hearing your stories and seeing your pictures.
Hannah: I don't know, I just don't like being on facebook!
Abby: I do! Everyone knows I'm the star of this family!