Merry Christmas!

In the interest of saving time and money (and the fact that I didn't plan ahead and don't have time to get Christmas cards out), we thank you kindly to receive this as your Christmas card.

But first, you have to understand the steps leading up to the Christmas picture.

1. Finding coordinating outfits:
This is a whole story in itself, but Mike said it wasn't funny enough to be here. I suppose he's the editor.

2. Getting the girls to the portrait studio without messing themselves up:
If I get myself ready first, the girls mess me up while I get them ready. If I get them ready first, they mess themselves up while I get ready. I tried for the latter. It worked pretty well except for the constant scolding, "Don't mess with your - hair, pants, shirt. Don't - eat, drink, spit, pick." You get the idea.

3. Waiting in line at the picture place:
We got there right on time and there was one family ahead of us. Since there was only one camera, (that's right, I went for a cheap place,) we knew we'd be waiting awhile. Luckily, that family's baby started bawling, and they had to cancel their appointment. While we felt SO sorry for them (heh, heh), we made it in much quicker.

4. The "natural" poses they made us hold:
We walked in and saw a miniature chaise. The photographer asked Mike to lay on it. He looked like a giant on this little couch. Apparently it was "completely normal." I was to sit at his feet at an angle that instantly gave me a cramp in my hip, while the children flanked us. After several pictures in this exact same pose, I felt ridiculous, and asked for a close up. She took two close-up shots, and that was the extent of the family pictures.

5. Picking the perfect picture:
The "natural" pose was amazing. But in a bad way. I don't know how this pose so perfectly captured Mike being so uncomfortable on that mini-couch, but it did. But the really magical part of it was the way I was posed at such an interesting angle, that every fat cell was squished to the front. They built little colonies and towers while waving at the camera. I was horrified. "No one will ever see this picture," I vowed. The close-up that I requested was the only family pose I liked.

6. The bill:
I walked out of there paying $10.99. It really helps cut costs when you hate all the pictures!

But seriously:

We wish you and your families a very merry Christmas. We absolutely believe that Jesus is the reason to celebrate. The miracle of His birth is an amazing gift. We thank you all for caring enough about our family to read all these stories, and to send back some of your own.

In Christ,

Mike, Amy, Abby, and Hannah Johnson

Private Parts

I have been a bit concerned about comments and actions that have come my way in the last few weeks. For instance:

While checking out at Walmart, the cashier asked me if I wanted to use my WIC coupons for the milk.

I have gained a few pounds and begrudgingly went shopping for larger shirts. When I tried one on that was much too big, Abby said, "Just keep it. When you get bigger, it will fit."

At yet another store, I found a flattering shirt that I was excited about. The young cashier only justified my good taste when she said, "This is new! Well, now I'm going to have to go shopping to get one of these!" And then added, "My Mom will love it!"

But I suppose the most insulting/interesting one is:

While I was checking out (again at Walmart), I was putting the items on the counter and managing Hannah at the same time. There was nothing hectic about it. I thought it was going pretty well, until the 75-year-old lady behind me got off her motorized cart and began helping me put my groceries on the belt. This sweet senior citizen with impared walking abilities thought I needed help.

What about me is prompting these disturbing reactions??

Perhaps it is because I am raising these children:

At the dinner table, Abby prayed and gave thanks. When it was Hannah's turn, the prayer went, "Dear God, please let me eat dog food. Amen."

The Thanksgiving prayer was this:
Abby: "I am thankful for my mom and dad and sister."
Hannah: "Thanks that my pj's have feet."

I was eating lunch with Abby at school. One of her classmates picked up the OJ that her mom had packed. She put it away without opening it. She looked at me and explained, "I don't like anything natural. And this says ALL natural, so I know it's bad."

I overheard Hannah talking to Mike. She stopped for a moment and said, "I'm going to go toot over there so that I don't bother you." She walked in the other room. Abby began looking for her and called, "Hannah?" From the other room, she cried, "Just a minute!!"

Noticing a booger on Hannah's finger, I swiped in with a tissue and took it. "HEY!" she shouted. "I was going to eat that!"

Mike asked Abby if a neighbor boy went to her school. I answered for her, "No, he goes to private school." Abby got a confused look on her face. "Private school? Is that a school where you have to show your private parts?"

I Completely Missed October?

As I was going through the pictures I need to order, I realized that October came and went without a word. October gets its own blog, because it is one of our favorite months. Just down the street from us is a wonderful (and free) Pumpkin Patch. (Thanks for the entertainment, Hall's Pumpkin Farm.) We are there every weekend in October.


The girls love riding around in the wagons and eating popcorn.
There is a small hay maze for the kids. It is supposed to work like a maze, but all the kids run on top of the hay. I loved these action shots of hay jumping.
I laughed aloud when I saw this next picture. I wanted a sweet shot of my angels and me. "Hold still! Smile! Look happy! Hold STILL!!!" This is what we got instead. It is not staged, it's completely real. (Best family picture so far this year.)
The best part of the pumpkin farm is the short hayride they have. Everyone piles on bales of hay in a trailor. The farmer pulls you in his tractor. First you go to feed the donkeys. The farmer gives you bread and the donkeys eat it with their lips. It's pretty cute. Then you go to the cows, which is my favorite part. If you have never hand-fed a cow, it's quite an experience. They have insanely long tongues, which they use to scoop up the food you give them. You have to act fast, because the tongues are very slobbery. In fact, on a windy day, big lines of cow saliva fly through the air. Where else offers flying cow spit?


This Halloween, Hannah dressed as a pig,

and Abby as a princess.
At Abby's school carnival, the first thing they want to do is the cake walk. Mike tries to talk them into waiting because we don't want to carry their cakes around all night, but they insist that they will be responsible for the cakes. (Yeah, right.) So we buy tickets for the cake walk, and while we wait in line, I lecture the girls on gracious losing. "There are 20 people trying to get one cake, girls. You probably won't win one, and that's okay." In one ear and out the other, you know. So the cake walk starts, and when the music ends, Abby's number is called. Abby wins! In that split second, I see the massive delima. Abby has won a cake, and Hannah has not. Hannah bawls loudly about the injustice of life while Abby gleefully picks a delicate pink dog-shaped cake. While I'm consoling the loser, the worker says, "Now for round two!" Abby leaves the game with her prize, and I begin walking a sobbing Hannah around the circle again with 19 other losers. I offer a silent prayer begging for a second cake. Folks, God answers prayers, because when the music stopped, Hannah's number was called. Those poor 18 other children had to watch both my children win. True to Hannah's personality, which was suddenly purely delightful, she picked a monkey.
Hannah soon got tired of holding her cake, which became my property, but all night long, Abby proudly displayed her masterpiece. She saw several familiar people, and each time she did, she held out her cake for words of admiration. Each time someone fawned over her cute cake, Hannah frantically ran to me, grabbed her cake, and held it out to the admirer. When the friend left, the cake was mine again.

We love and miss you, October.

Abby's Post

Abby would like to share some pictures with you. She loves the camera, and these are a few of the hundreds she's taken. Most of them have me in my pj's with some snarled expression on my face. They don't make the cut.

Is it December Already?

I have been receiving some complaints about my blogger absence. You know what, people? Some of us are busy! But now that I have a moment, I'll attempt to make your day a bit brighter.

I'm finishing up my first semester teaching Child Development at the local community college. It has been an amazing learning experience for me, and I look forward to teaching the same class next year so that I can expand my knowledge and teaching skills.

Mike got back from Cambodia (mission trip) in early October. He had an amazing time and was just today talking about it with the girls. His desire to seek justice for those in human bondage is stronger than ever.

Has this brightened your day yet? Talk of teaching and slavery is so uplifting!

Speaking of slavery. . . .

Let's get on to the girls, because that's who most of you care about anyways! I'm afraid the stories are weighted more heavily on Hannah, since I spend more time with her. (Sorry, my sweet Abby!)

My sister-in-law recently had a baby. (Hi, Baby Molly!) While she was pregnant, Hannah struggled to grasp the whole "baby in Shelley's tummy" thing. Once she had finally learned to accept that, we told her that Baby Molly would be coming out of Shelley's tummy soon. This excited Hannah, because she thought that Baby Molly would come out of Shelley's tummy and move to Mommy's tummy. Then, when Hannah turns seven, Baby Molly will move to Hannah's tummy.

Abby was begging to leave the house, and I told her we would once Hannah went potty. I was ignoring the children at the time, so I gave Abby the task of getting Hannah in the bathroom. I could hear Abby's fruitless efforts to move her stubborn sister. In frustration, she came in my room, wrote something down, and walked out. Curious, I followed. I found her standing in front of Hannah, holding a paper in front of Hannah's face.


Since Abby and I have bangs, we need more frequent haircuts than Hannah does. But if you've ever tried to do something and not involve Hannah, you know that that child MUST do everything her sister does. So now I call our hairdresser and make appointments for two bang trims and one fake cut. She schedules us, and that is exactly what she does. Abby and I go first, then Hannah gets in the chair, then has her hair sprayed down and fake cut. It actually works quite well!

My mom took Hannah out to lunch at a deli. When they were finished, Gamma asked Hannah to stay at the table while she got take-home boxes. Hannah asked why and Gamma said, "Because if we both leave, the workers will think we are all done, and they will take our food." Hannah begrudginly stayed put. When Gamma came back, Hannah proudly declared, "A worker came by and I said, 'Don't you touch our food!!'"



One afternoon, Hannah was sitting on my dad's lap. She studied him for a moment and said, "Papa! You've got hair in your nose and ears!"

I was attempting to get Hannah to wash her hands, but she was refusing. "Hannah," I said, "you have germs all over your hands." As quick as a three-year-old, she said, "That's okay, I'll just lick off the germs!" and stuck her hands in her mouth.


Hannah's new word is "amn't." ("Am not," of course!) I think it makes perfect sense, and wonder why it isn't (is not) in use generally.

Shopping at Sam's Club on Saturday at noon took on a whole new delight for the girls, because the free sample booths were plentiful. The next Saturday, I told the girls they could pick what we did that day. With joy, they asked to go to Sam's Club. We are so cultured!

Howdy, Strangers!

So, yes, it has been over two months since I have last blogged. Not only have I been ignoring my own blog, but others as well. If you have blogged something in the last two months, rest assured that I don't know about it. If you have posted anything on Facebook, I have not seen it. I am very good about email, though, if you really want to tell me something!

I am a slacker, and I have scraps of paper in every corner of the house with stories that I am wanting to blog about. They have no dates and sketchy descriptions, such as "poop on head," and "Daddy, old and crusty." Did I really think I'd remember the Daddy, old and crusty story two months after the fact? I don't! (I remember the poop on head story.)

Let's begin, shall we?

The super big news at the moment is that Mike is currently in Cambodia on a mission trip through our church. The group is figuring out how our church can best partner with International Justice Mission to fight human trafficking. As much as we miss him, we are so thrilled that he has this opportunity. He's having an amazing time. Why, just two days ago, he was presented with a delicious appetizer. Crispy Tarantulas. With dipping sauce! My husband, who is one of the pickiest eaters I have ever encountered, ate it.




For more on his adventures, please visit http://www.121cc.com/121-mission-blog/category/cambodia/. We appreciate your prayers.

My news seems pretty lame after the whole spider thing, but I'll tell it anyways. I am now a college professor. That's right, folks, someone actually hired me to teach college! I am teaching two courses on infant and toddler development at the local community college. I am having a great time.

Abby started the first grade and adores her teacher. She continues to ride the bus without incident.

Hannah has started preschool three days a week. She is in the turtles class and has two teachers that she loves. She asks me to drop her at the curb like I do with Abby, but I tell her no. One day, she made me walk three paces behind her so we could pretend I had dropped her at the curb. Too big for Mommy anymore.



Now, looking at the sketchy notes, I will tell you what summer boiled down to in the Johnson household. Proceed at your own risk.

***
Abby turned 6! I forgot to go to the store and buy more candles, so we are pretending that there are six there.

***
One day, I was working on the computer while Abby was using the bathroom around the corner from me. Hannah decided to help her (??) so they were in there together. I then heard little whispers:
H: But my hair will get all wet!
A: It's okay, you can just dry it on the towel.
H: No, I don't want to!
A: Come on, Hannah! Do it!
H: I don't want to get my hair wet!
At this moment, I got terribly uneasy and entered the scene. Abby had dropped a toy in the toilet and was asking Hannah to fish it out for her. The kicker is, Abby wasn't even off the toilet yet! She was scooted back quite far, but still on the potty!

***
While riding in the car, the sun got in Hannah's eyes. I heard her muttering angry words to the sun. She then yelled, "Shoo, Sun! No thank you, MR. SUN!!"

***
The girls were goofing around and disobeying, so I really got after them. At the end of my lecture, I said, "Say, 'Yes, ma'am.'" Normally compliant by this point, they were instead silent. I repeated, "Say, 'Yes, ma'am.'" Still silence. I stared into Hannah's eyes and repeated myself one more time. She politely looked at me and said, "But I want to say, 'One potato, two potato.'"



***
In an attempt to save time, I let Hannah shower with me. "Oh, Mommy! Look at you! You look like a buffalo! Hello, Buffalo!"

***
On another occasion, I said something to the effect that I couldn't fit in her little chair because I was too big. "Yes," Hannah said, "you have big buns just like Daddy."

***
At the dinner table one evening, Abby was talking about who the boss of the house is. Mike said, "Is Daddy the boss, or are Mommy and Daddy both the bosses?" She thought for a moment, then replied, "You're both the bosses. But Mommy's the boss that's right."



***
We found Abby's beloved fish, Steve, dead. (Finally!) I told Mike first in case he wanted to be there to cushion the blow. (He didn't.) While we were disposing of Steve, Abby said, "I'd better tell Daddy that my fish is dead." I said that I had just told him. She paused and said, "Well, I better tell him again. You know how he forgets."

***
I am quite addicted to Sonic (a carhop fastfood joint). The girls are used to me stopping to get my Vanilla Diet Coke. After I placed my order, Hannah said, "What girl will bring it?" As a boy approached, I told her that it looked like a boy would bring it. She appraised this handsome guy and said, "Ohhhhhh. I like the boy!"

***
While Mike was reading to the girls in Abby's bed, the wooden letter A from Abby's name fell off the wall and hit Hannah on the forehead. It's a bad bump and bruise, and people keep asking her about it. When asked, she always says, "Abby's letter A fell on me." (Kudos to Aunt Kelli for actually figuring out what that meant!) When Hannah reported the news to Gamma, my mom gave her kisses and said, "Do you want to see my ouchie?" She pulled up her sleeve to reveal a large bruise on her arm. "Ohh," Hannah said, "did the letter B fall on you?"

***
While driving, I heard Abby ask Hannah if she wanted to play a game of Go Fish. Knowing they didn't have any cards back there, I was curious as to how this would work. Luckily, they had a stack of snapshots from our vacation. They divied them up and I could hear them saying, "Do you have any Daddys? Do you have any Cinderellas? Do you have any Chloes?"

***
While visiting my brother's house on Friday, the girls left our line of sight and began to play in the pile of dirt and manure that was waiting to be spread the next day. When we heard screaming, we checked on them. Hannah had dirt and manure stuck to each curl on her blonde head. A dirt throwing match had ensued, and Hannah had lost. She wanted snuggles from me, but she stunk! We washed her off the best we could, and my brother made his daughter apologize. "Jocie, you tell Hannah that you are sorry for throwing poop on her head!" In her sweet little voice, Jocie solemly said, "Hannah, I'm sorry for putting poop on your head. I never do it again." The other unfortunate guest at the dinner table (yes, we were eating dinner at the time,) could barely keep her drink from coming out her nose.

***
I'm pretty tired now. You know, single mom and all. Trying to catch up on two months of correspondence in one sitting. (I'm actually just trying to ignore everything else that needs to be done.)
I hope you have enjoyed your time with us. . . . Anyone want to babysit?

San Diego!

Yesterday marked our four year anniversary of living in Texas. To celebrate, we went to San Diego for a week! We had a great time seeing family and friends. We also hit all the tourist spots for the girls.

The Beach

We went to La Jolla shores with Mike's brother, Steve, and his son Caleb. My best friend, Alisa, also came with her three children, Chloe, Elijah, and Sam. We had an amazing time. The water, of course, was quite cold, but the kids enjoyed wading out in it nonetheless. We built sand castles, buried all the kids, and grossed each other out with seaweed.

You know how there's one kid in every situation that is going to get hurt? That's Abby. We buried all the children, but only one of them was bitten by sand fleas. She had dozens of bites all over her arms. She is quite tasty.

Disneyland!

On Tuesday, we entered the magical kingdom. Alisa and her family went with us. Our plan was to stay together, but we were separated within 10 minutes. Our kids wanted to go on different rides, so we would plan to meet up after the ride at such-and-such a place. Somehow, I misunderstood where we were to meet, and I would get a call from Alisa. Time after time, I was in the wrong place. Eventually, it became comical, and we said our goodbyes over the phone.

Our first mission was to see the princesses. Let me tell you, this was a huge waste of time. The line was at least an hour. Mike and I took turns walking the kids around while the other stood in line. At one point, I was washing my hands and my cell rang. It was my boss. I answered, "Hi! I'm in the happiest bathroom on earth!"

Before we were through with our first line, the first meltdown of the day happened.

I asked my princess to pose for a picture, and she threw herself down on the ground, screaming. After waiting for an hour in line, our big Princess adventure lasted two minutes. The girls met Cinderella, Mulan, and Belle.

Honestly, I'm not sure they even cared.


The rest of the day ran more smoothly, with relatively short lines, and great attitudes. Their favorite rides were Pirates of the Caribbean and driving the cars in Autopia. The saddest part of the day was when Hannah finally went to meet Mickey Mouse and found he had already gone to bed for the night. (Well, for crying out loud! It was only 7:00!) They also loved the parking lot tram. "Let's ride the train again!"

When I was little, there was one thing I always wanted to get at Disneyland, but never was allowed to:

(They were done after about 10 licks. Then what are you supposed to do with it?)

We got back to the hotel at midnight. Exhausted, we fell asleep quickly. Mike and Abby shared a bed and I shared one with Hannah. All this close quarter sleeping made me realize that Hannah yells in her sleep. "Daddy, you forgot my water!" "No, Abby, NO!" "SPIDERS!!" Not much rest that night. . . .

Seaport Village

On Wednesday, we drove back down to San Diego and walked around Seaport Village. We also rode the ferry boat to Coronado island. We then took Mike to the airport, and away he flew.

The girls and I moved in with Alisa, and we had an amazing time playing at her house. We all went to the zoo together on Thursday, but my camera was already full of pictures, so you're out of luck on that one.

On Friday, my two aunts and two cousins took us out for some girl time. We hit Old Town and then the movies. It was wonderful. They taught my kids how to do the Macarena. At the end of end of each verse, Hannah would shout, "HEY, Macaroni!"

The Ride Home

As I mentioned, Mike was already safely home. He had a direct flight. Alone. No one even sat next to him. He called me and told me this, and then he laughed.

So the girls and I fly 45 minutes to Los Angelos. They did very well. They were the perfect angels I taught them to be. As soon as they got off the plane, however, they turned into the wild monkeys I know they can be. One look at them, and I knew our two hour layover was not going to be pretty. I went to the service desk and asked for an earlier flight. While he was checking, I was threatening the girls, putting them in time-out, giving them my mean look. Nothing was working. The agent finally told me that, yes, he could get us on an earlier flight, but not our luggage, which was checked. With this in mind, I called Mike and explained the situation. He was fine with whatever I wanted to do. I turned to phone over to each child and he gave them a lecture about "listening to Mommy" while I continued with my mean look.

As I was deciding on what to do, Abby yells, "Mommy! Hannah peed her pants!" I turn to find a very wet Hannah, laughing and pointing at a puddle on the floor. Did I mention that the luggage was checked? I booked the earlier flight.

We made a run for the plane, and as we approached the gate, they said, "Are you the Johnsons?" Which told me that everyone else was already on the plane, and that we were THOSE people that everyone else was waiting for. With no dignity left, I had little Hannah lead the charge. This is a great mental image. The plane was full of waiting people, and in walked this spunky little smiling blond child. Her light blue pants had a huge pee stain running down to her shoes. Our seats were in the very back. She sauntered slowly down the aisle, smiling at those who were quite noticeably smiling at her. Thinking, "Everyone is so FRIENDLY on this plane!" Can you see it? Now can you see the poor, frazzled mother behind her? That's me.

The flight consisted of Abby falling asleep and me entertaining Hannah for three hours. When the pilot finally announced, "We are now beginning our initial descent," Hannah fell asleep.

Mike picked us up at 10:30 p.m. and went back for our luggage at midnight. I slept so soundly!

All in all, we had an AMAZING time. The girls did wonderfully. We loved seeing everyone. We want to thank so many people for helping us with plane tickets, cars, lodging, D-land tickets, zoo tickets, and free meals! We love you and could not have had this wonderful vacation without all your help. Thank you, thank you!

More Hannah-isms

Hannah likes to describe in detail her. . .um. . .poop. "One big one and one little one, Mommy. There's two little circles. Look, Mommy! I pooped all the colors of the rainbow!"

My sister-in-law is pregnant. When we told Hannah that there is a baby in Shelley's tummy, she cried, "Let me see!" Shelley showed Hannah her belly while Hannah desperately tried to see the baby through Shelley's belly button. Thinking it was a telescope, she was sorely disappointed when the baby wouldn't come into focus. The next day, she told Gamma, "Shelley has a baby in her button!"

The cereal boxes are much fun at our house. The girls get in them all the time. One day, when my mom was over, she used a bag clip to neatly close up the cereal bags inside their boxes. The next time Hannah tried to get into the bag, I heard her yell, "HEY! Someone locked the CEREAL!!"

Welcome Back!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I have been grading papers like crazy for my new job. I am finally caught up for the moment, and have blessed y'all with several new posts. I know I had a million more stories that I wanted to share, but I've forgotten them. I hope you enjoy the ones I've remembered.

You Might be a Redneck If....

I attended my first truly Texan birthday party. Sure, I've been to dozens of parties since I've been here, but none like this!

It was a typical swim party for the kindergartners. Abby, Hannah, and I were having a good time with their little friends. It could have been like any other party, until it turned Texan in one swift move. When the father of the six-year-old birthday girl bent down to throw away his plate, his gun fell out of his shirt and onto the floor. "Oops," he said casually before replacing it.

Let's review:
20 kindergartners
swim party
gun

Many people have asked me, "Is he a policeman?" NO! "Is there a reason he needs the gun?" Why, yes. He is a Texan.

God Bless America!

This happened several months ago, but I still chuckle about it. During a huge storm, Mike and I were watching the news. They had a weather girl outside, under a bank overhang. She was yelling into the microphone because it was so loud. There was large hail, fierce wind, and strong, heavy rain. During the 15 minutes we watched, the anchorman switched to her several times so that she could warn people to stay indoors due to the danger of the hail, possible tornadoes, and overall extreme weather.

The great part of the story is what was in the background. In the parking lot behind her, there was a fast-food restaurant. The drive-thru lane was filled with slow-moving cars, picking up their dinners. The entire 15 minutes she was yelling at the audience to take cover, car after car continued to go through the lane.

I thought it was a splendid taste of America.

Oh, Gross

Abby had splash day at school last week. I was instructed to bring her to school in her swimsuit and class T-shirt as a cover-up. It felt a little odd not putting pants on her, since the shirt only fell to her upper thighs. Nonetheless, I put her towel and change of clothes in her backpack before dropping her off at school.

When she came home, she was still wearing her cover-up shirt. I thought she must be cold if she never changed out of her swimsuit, so I took off her shirt to help her out of the suit. There was no bathing suit underneath. There was NOTHING underneath. My baby "couldn't find" her clothes, she said. So she just took her suit off and put her shirt - ONLY her shirt - back on.

Then she rode the bus home. (I still shudder when I think of it.)

If you would like to donate money to this cause, please send a check. No amount is too large. It will be used to pay for therapy and/or tetanus shots. We appreciate your support.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Hannah is a yakker. She never, never stops talking. Fortunately, this gives me plenty to laugh about.

* After begging me not to change her clothes, I finally got her shirt off. She looked at me and said, "WHAT did I JUST said?!"

* As Mike was leaving for work one morning, he attempted to get Hannah's attention while she was watching TV. He finally said, "Bye, Hannah, I'm leaving." In her catatonic, TV watching state, she murmured, "Bye. Thank you for coming to our house."

Fast Takes

I thought I'd share a few random pictures with you.

The girls and I went to a fair-type event and had a blast. They rode the Dumbo elephants,

saw Clydesdale horses,
and went kyaking.
Abby had fun at field day.
I told the girls that if we spent the morning at garage sales, they could each spend two whole quarters. Here, they are showing off their purchases. One of Hannah's finds had already been taken away. She bought a pink belt with a huge metal buckle which she whipped Abby with five minutes later.

Potty Training - Round Two

And the winner is. . . .

In the weeks before Hannah's third birthday, I told her that she would not be wearing diapers at three. She even repeated the mantra, "No more DIAPERS! 'Cause diapers are YUCKY!" She loved that phrase, so I thought that I had finally gotten through to her.

Then April 25th came. Abby told her, "Hannah, you're three today. That means no more diapers." Hannah grew more and more upset until she yelled, "Stop saying that! I'm NOT THREE!" I promptly took the diaper off, and the battle began. This child has the bladder of a camel. She held it in, with obvious discomfort, for hours at a time before peeing on the floor. I had loaded her with liquid, then sat her on the toilet for 45 minutes, and tickled her. She held it in. The only time she had ever peed on the potty was when she accidentally sneezed while being forced to sit there. At one point during her confinement, she began to sing, "Oh, God, You are my God. Earnestly I will seek You." It was the saddest, most frustrating thing ever. Bribery, time-out, candy - nothing phased her.

This went on for a week and a half. One morning, I took away the only thing I hadn't tried. Her blankie. I said, "You can have this back when you pee-pee on the potty." SHE DIDN'T CARE. That day, I was talking with two friends. One told me about an article she read. With stubborn children (I think I know one!), you are to put them in the bathroom, put a baby-gate up, and say, "Call me when you're done." Then you walk away. After all the screaming fights we had already had, I dreaded the thought. Then my other friend said, "I'll do it when I'm babysitting her tomorrow."

The next day, Hannah went to the babysitter's house. I said that I didn't want to know about it, and I left. Within 30 minutes, I received a text. "We have pee and poo in the potty." 20 minutes later, a second text announced, "Pee again." It was then that my eyes started to water. When I picked my stubborn, wild child up four hours later, she was fully potty trained and has not looked back since. What a magical day.

Special thanks to the potty-whisperer, Kelli Mills. You made my year.

Pocket Protectors

As I was holding Hannah one day, she asked me to carry her two small stuffed animals. I told her that my hands were full, so she began looking for a place to put them. She eventually looked down my shirt, saw my bra, and said, "Mommy! You have pockets in here!" She put one animal in each of my "pockets", and the world made sense again.

Time For a Whoopin'

Abby, Hannah, and their cousin Jocie were hiding and refusing to come out.

"Abby! Hannah! Time to go home!"
"NOOO!" they shouted.
"Come out now, or Daddy's gonna give you a whoopin'!" I joked.
I could hear Abby say, "Come on, come on, Daddy's gonna give us a whoopin'!"
I was surprised that it had actually worked. When they were finally out, they ran to Mike yelling, "We want our whoopin'! Where's our whoopin'? (Pause.) What's a whoopin'?"
It was then that we realized they thought a whoopin' was a treat and that's why they had come out - to get their prize.

The next day, we were rifling through Abby's Easter basket for some candy. "Do you want a Whopper?" I asked.
"No, don't spank me!!" she cried.
Brother.

Love Letter

While Hannah was at church, her teacher asked her if she wanted to write a note to Mommy. Hannah was thrilled and dictated this letter to me:

I love you, Mommy. I miss you. Change diapers, wiggle your finger, bonk your head. I love you.

Bedhead

I think Hannah's morning hair needs it's own post. I LOVE her crazy hair.

Yes, I'm Still Alive

I've received flak for my lack of recent entries. My life has been crazy busy for the last month. I know, I'm a stay-at-home mom. What else do I have to do but sit at the computer all day, thinking of ways to entertain friends and family? Well, let me tell you.

Recently, I was hired to be an online teaching assistant for a university. It's a great opportunity and is one step closer to being an online teacher. However, the three weeks of training were very difficult and time consuming. I ignored my kids, my husband, the housework, and the outdoors. I went to work and anything else mandatory, but I dropped everything else. I was extremely stressed and lost a lot of sleep. When I had finished my last assignment and submitted it to be graded, my body fell apart. I got a bad cold right away, and then three days later got the worst stomach bug in the history of toilets. I could barely get out of bed for 48 hours. (Thanks, Mom, Dad, and Mike for taking the kids!)

When I finally stumbled out of bed, I turned on the computer and checked my email. I had passed the training and had been given my own class - the day before. My first week on the job, and I was already behind. Since then, I have caught up and am doing well.

Due to this stressful time, I have forgotten 95% of the things I wanted to blog about. Hopefully, you'll enjoy the next few stories.

Grocery List

I went to the store today. When I got the shopping list off the fridge, it said:

oatmeal
diapers
cereal
oatmeal
(Suddenly, the handwriting changed.)
Cookes
CAke
Popkon
Choklit bunes
bran mek (brown milk)
lemnad
fowrs

Not sure that I got everything on the list, but it did make me smile.

Like My New Shoes?

I found Crocs on clearance, so the girls have their first pair of namebrand Crocs. Hannah enjoys being able to put them on herself. She has trouble with the name, though. (To avoid any google searches popping up, I'll just let you use your imagination without spelling out the word.) Instead of saying the 'cs' sound at the end, she replaces it with 'ch'. "Mom! I'm going to wear my Crocs to work! I'll show all my friends my Crocs! I love my new Crocs! Do you like my pretty Crocs?"

Scrub-A-Dub-Dub

While at a friend's house for a playdate, I complained that I had been so busy, I had not had time to bathe my kids. She mentioned that her two-year-old was scared of baths and asked if we should bathe them all together. Thus, we had our first bathtime playdate. The girls loved it. Three little squirmy bodies in the tub. At one point, we heard the familiar bubble toot sound. The girls stopped and Abby accused, "It was Hannah!"
Hannah replied, "It was not!" Not one second after her denial, little bubbles rose up from under her. "Oh, that's right. It was me," she corrected. "I forgot."

Texas Vs. California

Being a native Californian, I am baffled by this Texas weather. These pictures were taken in January, six days apart.




Last week, the temperature went from 85 degrees to 29 degrees in 48 hours. Other fun TX vs. CA observations:

Texas does NOT have:
In and Out Burger
See's Candies

In my 32 years of living in CA, I never had or saw a Chick-Fil-A or Sonic.

Road-kill is abundant in TX. Among the many, I recall millions of squirrels, two armadillos, rabbits, and vultures eating all of the above. I myself have contributed a road-kill rabbit (right at Easter time) and a squirrel.

A story for my CA fans:
My TX girlfriends and I were hanging out and eating delicious cookies. Someone asked the cook how she got her cookies so fluffy. She replied, "It's a special kind of sugar. You can't just buy the regular stuff." We were all very intrigued and asked her the name of the magic sugar. "It's called C&H."
I laughed, thinking it was a joke. "See an H?" someone asked.
"No," she answered. "C&H. You get it at Albertson's."
I was busting up and said, "Seriously? No one's heard of C&H sugar?" I even began singing the theme song, "C&H Pure Cane Sugar, pure and sweet, from Hawaii. . . ."
Then they started teasing ME, "Ooooohhhh, I'm from California! I've heard of C&H sugar!"
It was great.

Phrases I never heard before TX:
Fixin' tah: "I'm fixin' tah go to the store."
Might could: "I might could pick you up some milk."

"Don't Mess With Texas" is just our anti-litter campaign.

Texans are much nicer than Californians and I'm still suspicious when people are overly friendly to me.

Thanks for listening, all y'all. I'm fixin' tah turn in but I might could write more later.